Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, "My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?"
A soothing voice at the other end says, "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead."
After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "Okay," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?"

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!"
The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

"Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65," the newspaper obit read. "The funeral will be held on Thursday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40 and 10:50."
-- Merrill Markoe, Late Night With David Letterman, The Book (Villard)

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.


Q: How as copper wire invented?

A: Two Lawyers fighting over a penny.

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!


California Crazy Law

  • Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.

  • Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

  • Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.

  • Bathhouses are against the law.

  • In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.

  • No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.

  • Women may not drive in a house coat.

  • It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

  • Arcadia

  • Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.

  • Alhambra

  • You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.

  • Baldwin Park

  • Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

  • Belvedere

  • City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."

  • Blythe

  • You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.

  • Burlingame

  • It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.

  • Carmel

  • Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)

  • Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.

  • Chico

  • Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

  • Downey

  • It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).

  • Hollywood

  • It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

  • Lafayette

  • You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.

  • Lodi

  • It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".

  • Lompoc

  • It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.

  • Long Beach

  • It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.

  • Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.

  • Los Angeles

  • Toads may not be licked.

  • You may not hunt moths under a street light.

  • It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.

  • You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.

  • Zoot suits are prohibited.

  • It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.

  • It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.

  • Ontario

  • Roosters may not crow in the city limits.

  • Pacific Grove

  • Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.

  • Palm Springs

  • It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.

  • Pasadena

  • It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

  • Prunedale

  • Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.

  • Redlands

  • Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.

  • Riverside

  • One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.

  • San Diego

  • The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.

  • It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.

  • San Francisco

  • Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.

  • Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.

  • It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.

  • It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.

  • San Jose

  • It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595

  • Santa Monica

  • You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.

  • Temecula

  • Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.

  • Home of Potato and WTF laws

  • Riding a merry-go-round on Sundays is considered a crime.

  • Illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. 

  • You may not fish on a camel's back.


  • Residents may not fish from a giraffe's back.


  • A person may not be seen in public without a smile on their face.

  • A law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless some are exhibited to public view."
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