1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

  2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

  3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

  4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.

  5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

  6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

  7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

  8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

  9. When there are people behind you, walk really slow, especially thin narrow aisles.

  10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares,” and see what happens.

  11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to “10”.

  12. Play with the automatic doors.

  13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen you in so long!...” etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

  14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, “Who buys this crap, anyway?”

  15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

  16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you’re taking it for a “test drive.”

  17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

  18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

  19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, “Wow. Magic!”

  20. Put M&M’s on layaway.

  21. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.

  22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

  23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from the other aisles.

  24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

  25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, “...I’m Batman. Come, Robin—to the Batcave!”

  26. TP as much of the store as possible.

  27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

  28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello” upside down.

  29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”

  30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, “Red Rover!”

  31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., “Do you have any Shnerples here?”

  32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

  33. Take bets on the battle described above.

  34. Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

  35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

  36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

  37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible.

  38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

  39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

  40. Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?”

  41. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.

  42. Two words: “Marco Polo.”

  43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.

  44. “Re-alphabetize” the CD’s in Electronics.

  45. In the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with various funnels.

  46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

  47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

  48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices again!”

  49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

  50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.


51. Do all of these in order without getting permanently banned.


52. Do all of these in any order, in one trip.


Talk really fast.

Turn on the TV. Change the channel to one that only gets static. Turn the volume up really loud. Say that you can't hear them over the static.

Make up your own language. Speak it.

Hang up.

Make up a one word language. Speak it.

Say, "This phone line is for emergency use only. Do you have an emergency?"

If they say "Yes" to number 6 say, "Please state the nature of the emergency." Then insist that their emergency isn't an emergency. Hang up.

If they say "No" to number 6 say, "I'm sorry but this line is for emergencies only." Hang up.

Pretend you just took hostages, and make demands.

Pretend that you are a hostage negotiator, and try to get the telemarketer to release the hostages.

Order a large pepperoni pizza, some garlic bread, and a meatball sub.

Pretend that your phone line is an automatic phone sex line.

Dial the phone and say, "Hey! I lent you 50 bucks. You better pay up or else I'm gonna come over there and hurt you! "

Repeatedly dial the phone. Mutter that it isn't ringing.

Claim to be the mafia.

Say, "Moe's tavern Moe speaking."

Say something that Moe would say to Bart after Bart makes a prank call.

Ask him/her if he/she would like a magazine or newspaper subscription.

Ask the telemarketer to find your friend Mike last name Rotch. Claim you will only buy a subscription from them.

Say, "Oh no! It's the Feds! They're on to us!"

Claim to be the FBI. Say, "This is the Federal Bureau of Investigation. How may I help you?"

Dial *69. Wait about a minute and say, "Damn unreliable *69."

Speak a foreign language.

If you do # 24 and the telemarketer gets a person who speaks the language you used, speak another language, use a made up language, or say that you were speaking English the whole time.

Pretend that the telemarketer is your husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend. Talk sexually, making references to what you are going to do to him/her later tonight. When you "realize" that you are not speaking to your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend yell, "Pervert!" Slam the phone down to hang up.

Say, "Help! I'm being robbed! He's got a gun!"

Communicate only through Morse code.

Talk to the telemarketer. During the conversation dial the phone, and ask for Bill. Do this repeatedly.

Try to sell the telemarketer something.

Act drunk.

Turn on your shower. Say that you are on a portable phone and are really late for an important meeting. Scream as though you were electrocuted.

Ask him/her if he/she can smell bacon. Insist that there is a strong scent of bacon over the phone.

Ask if he/she has been to Australia. Regardless of his/her answer ask if you can buy a boomerang and didgeridoo.

If he/she says "No" to #36 insist that he/she buy yours.

If he/she says "Yes" to #36 ask if he/she will take a strange currency.

Pretend to be an escaped mental patient. Mutter things like, "They'll never catch me again," "No! Not the jacket! No, no, no!" After saying one of these mutter incoherently.

Make him/her dance for a sale. Claim that you won't buy because you couldn't see him/her dance.

Make him/her sing to get a sale.

If a male sings for #41, claim that he sounds like Brittany Spears.

If a female sings for #41, claim that she sounds like Barry White.

Pretend to be really interested. Then say, "No."

Engage him/her in an "intellectual" conversation on an extremely boring subject.

Say nothing until he/she hangs up.

Say, "I told you. I don't know where your dog is!" Then hang up.

Keep crackers near the phone. When a telemarketer calls eat the crackers. Chew loudly, make slurping noises, and talk with your mouth full. If you want pretend that you are choking.

After he/she hangs up, use *69 or Caller ID to get the phone number. Call the telemarketer.

Ask the telemarketer for his/her home phone number. Claim that you need some time to think, and that you'll get back to them.

If he/she is selling a newspaper or magazine, go on and on about how great another newspaper/magazine is.

Pretend you are a telemarketer from a rival company. Get him/her to buy your product.

Say, "Yes" immediately to whatever they are selling and hang up immediately afterwards.


1.    See how many you can get through before the telemarketer hangs up.

2.    See how many times you can do this to the same telemarketer on several different days.


1.    Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, "Quite right, old bean!"
2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector.
3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.
4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.
5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't wear it out!"
6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".
7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow.
8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.
9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.
11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.
13. Sing your questions.
14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.
15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry."
16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.
17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.
19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".
20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.
21. Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occassionally lick your lips.
22. Address the professor as "your excellency".
23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
24. Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.
25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.
26. Ask whether you have to come to class.
27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket.
28. Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.
29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become aggitated when the professor can't understand you.
30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
31. Watch the professor through binoculars.
32. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
33. Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.
34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
36. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.
38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.
39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream "IMPOSTER!"
40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
41. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the professor answers.
43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for "stud".
44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"
45. Disassemble your pen. "Accidently" propel pieces across the room while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.
46. Wink at the professor every few minutes.
47. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.
48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.
49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.
50. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can't see Macedonia.

51. See how much you can do before getting suspended.

52. See how much you can do before getting expelled.


1. Say "Amen" after you say your order.

2. Order a large cheese pizza.

3. Terminate the order by saying, "Remember, we never had this conversation." and then drive off.

4. Tell the order taker a rival fast food place is down the street and you're going with the lowest bidder.

5. When you take your order say "surprise me!"

6. Answer their questions with questions.

7. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.

8. Sing your order.

9. Spell out your order.

10. Talk about your social life.

11. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

12. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

13. Change your accent every three seconds.

14. After ordering say "and once your done throw it out and do it again cuz you won't get it right the first time!"

15. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

16. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."

17. Ask to rent a burger.

18. Ask if there is a warrantee on your meal.

19. Order with the radio turned up at full blast.

20. Ask if you get to keep the bag. When they say "yes" start crying with happiness and call your whole family to tell them the big news.

21. Tell them to double-check to make sure your buger is, in fact, dead.

22. Imitate the order taker's voice.

23. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

24. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

25. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

26. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this meal.

27. Order just one fry.

28. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

29. Order two different meals and then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

30. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

31. Take a picture of the person at the window.

32. Hand the person at the window a box of pizza and say, "that will be $7.95"

33. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

34. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

35. Start the conversation with "My order at McDonalds, Take 1, and ... action!"

36. Ask if the burger is organically grown.

37. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

38. State your order and say, "that's as far as this relationship is going to get".

39. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a burger." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your burger.

40. Tell them to take the first bite.

41. Teach the order taker a secret code. Take your order using that code.

42. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

43. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

44. Bargain with the price.

45. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

46. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that burger.

47. Wear a detective suit and pass the person at the window a breifcase and then drive off.

48. Ask if the burger has had it's shots.

49. Don't say a word. Just stare.

50. Speak in a different language.



51. Try all these to the Manager!!!

52. Stop by every other fast food place you can think of, buy their signature meals, and shove it into the McDonalds drive-thru window.


1. Leave to copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. Sit in your yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking to others.
5. Sing along at the opera.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
7. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant material in scientific papers and “cc” them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the world “in accordance with prophecy.”
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hand over your ears.
13. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. don t use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?”, “What?”, “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture (The Lone Ranger Theme) by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, “No, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”
30. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble the answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”
33. Tell your friends 4 days prior that you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.

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